Never Tear Us Apart

G. and I decided fairly easily on our first-dance song, which is Never Tear Us Apart by INXS. We made the decision by having me start to think about it long before we were engaged, developing a list, narrowing it down by myself, and finally delivering two options to him after we started planning the wedding. (The other song I considered was "No One" by Alicia Keys.)

We used the following criteria for selecting this particular song:
1) It is totally awesome, and has been so since 1987 when it came out.
2) It is part of the soundtrack of the very romantic movie Donnie Darko, which we both love.
3) It is has a hilarious and totally 80s saxophone solo in the middle. (I dream of performing "air saxophone" during our dance at the wedding!)

At any rate, despite the fact that the song was also played at Michael Hutchence's funeral in 1997, we thought it was a very romantic song, and let's admit it: a crowd pleaser. Everyone our age at the wedding is going to know and love this.

G. and I are not exactly shy, but we're not attention-seekers either. We won't be doing a surprise dance to "Baby Got Back" or anything of that nature. On the other hand, we want to avoid looking like our wedding is a 7th grade mixer, with three and a half minutes of us swaying back and forth.

Therefore, we asked my parents, who have done ballroom dancing for fifteen years, to choreograph a little something for us. Last week, we saw visited them for vacation, and we all had some wine and INXS in the living room. My parents worked out a ballroom medley for us, which mostly consists of a rumba box-step, with a dramatic tango lunge thrown in.

But the best part -- and the only thing that will prevent me from doing an air-sax solo -- is that my folks also included a Dirty Dancing move! I am sure that all women between the ages of 25 and 40 attending my wedding will immediately recognize Baby's fabulous head-roll during the sax solo! (She does it right in the beginning of the "Time of My Life" dance.)

Also like Baby -- when Johnny Castle runs his fingers along her armpit -- I had the giggles when we were practicing. G. was a good student, and neither of us had much trouble learning it, but I was a little embarrassed to do some corny stuff that my parents suggested, like lay my head on his chest during the tango lunge.

Also embarrassing: when my parents were suggesting some dirty tango moves that I was too prudish to seriously attempt in their company.

Hopefully my giggles and hesitancy will evaporate on the big day.

As shy as I am about it, I am exciting to have a choreographed dance that will hopefully be romantic and hold folks' attention. Even more so, I know my parents are super excited to be able to share their experience with us and really be able to contribute to this part of the wedding. Now all we have to do is practice.

This must cause Cancer. But.....

I have a particular product that I need everyone to know about, but I hesitate to write this post. Well, I did hesitate, and then I was like "eh, whatever" and forged boldly ahead.

What is this product? Neulash is, according to their website, "active eyelash technology," which is beauty marketing speak for "OMG totally awesome eyelash stuff that makes those mothers grow!"

Why did I pause? Because it comes in a tube the size of a mascara, and it costs like $150. I say "like $150," because although their extensive FAQ section discusses the use of Neulash among those of the male gender, lactating mothers and concerned contacts-wearers, it does not actually -- so far as I can deduce -- discuss how much it costs.

I know, because my friend Melissa scored a tube for free, used it for three months before her wedding, witnessed a miracle, and passed it along to me. She reported to me that it costs $150. And, of course, I would never condone sharing eye makeup except in instances of serious bridal vanity desperation.

Melissa's eyelashes were mesmerizing. I mean, I she could have blinked near me and brushed my hair at the same time. She could have dusted lampshades with these things, it was amazing! I am not shilling for Neulash, as everything about it does seem a little creepy to me, but I am simply here to let you know that if you
a) have $150 to blow on seriously gorgeous eyelashes
or
b) have a friend in the beauty biz
you need to score some of this stuff.

I have been using Neulash for about four weeks, and started to notice a difference a few days ago. I plan to keep using it til my wedding, and pray I don't get pink eye. Of course, you can also get extensions, and spend a lot less money, but how fun to see your own lashes grow day by day before your very eyes!

These are before and after photos from the website, which are not even as impressive as Melissa's.

What crazy beauty stuff have you tried under the influence of bride brain?

Yes, I AM buying this light-up garland!

I get overwhelmed by too many choices, and I sometimes have trouble getting focused. I love Michael's, but when I go there I don't know how to take all the wonderful things there and direct them into a great project for me.

I signed up for the Michael's email list yesterday, and got a 50% off coupon. (Have y'all signed up? Do it now!) I took it to Michael's and figured this might help me get some focus. I thought that I wouldn't look at stuff that was super cheap, because who cares about something being 50% off if it's already cheap? (So, no tiny packages of stickers or Swarovski crystals.) So, I was thinking: pricey craft tools, anything Martha, stuff like that. (Sorry, Martha, but you're always the upscale choice at any big-box store.)

Anyhow, I went through the Wedding section, which today was full of crappy tiaras and invitation-making kits. Then I came across it: the Wilton White Rose Bridal Garland. Admittedly, the

packaging is a little cheesy, but I feel like this 6-foot light up, battery operated garland has huge decorating potential at my wedding.

A few thoughts:

1.) Wound

around the cupcake stands

2.) Wound around the centerpiece at the head table

3.) Hung across the wide doorway I'll walk through on my way down the aisle

So many options! G. called while I was at Michael's, and I was like, "White rose bridal garland! White rose bridal garland!"

And he was like, "Oh. Really? Are we really... having that?" in a strained voice. Sometimes he just doesn't see my vision. And he often doesn't know when I am kidding. Not kidding, Mr. G.! NOT. KIDDING.

Making cuts

I already know that this is the kind of post that will get folks heated in the comments. However, I would like to discuss what has been happening with one of my guests over the past couple of days, culminating today in my more or less dis-inviting her from the wedding. (This dis-invitation is somewhat along the lines of movies where the employee says, "I QUIT!" and the boss says, "No, you're fired!" Kind of like that, only without comic relief.)

I'll give it to you straight: I have been sweating bullets over the guest list for the past couple of months. I've been given a lot of grief from various family members, and I have created grief for myself. I got it to a place where we could all be content, and we went about sending out the save-the-dates.

Our M.O. for guests was the following:
1) spouses of guests invited, of course
2) serious S.O.s invited (fiances, or living together)

Most of the single people coming to the wedding are either not traveling to come to it, or they know lots of people who will be attending. No single people on the guest list were invited knowing no other guests.

A former co-worker who is about my parents' age signed our wedding website guest book last week, and said that she was going to bring her sister-in-law as her guest.

I wrote her back and gently explained that due to financial constraints, we were asking people to attend as would be addressed on the envelope (i.e., all "plus-ones" would receive an invitation, but no one was to bring a random guest). I said I had really struggled with the guest list, and was left only with this option. I reminded her that she would know four other people at the wedding, and thanked her for her understanding. I really did try to be cheerful in my reply, transparent in my reasoning, and firm in my resolve.

I won't give you the nitty gritty of every back and forth, but this unleashed a torrent of emails from this guest, challenging me on every level for my decision. Irritatingly, she also assured me that she was not taking "this snub personally," although she clearly was, and kept signing her emails "warmly." The long and short of it was that she wanted to bring her sister-in-law as a buddy mainly for the trip, which was long for her.

Well, as much as I would like to pay my caterer $150 for her to have a subway buddy, I can't afford that.

The last email she sent me was on Friday, wherein she began, "After all we have been through together...." and concluded by letting me know in an exceptionally passive-aggressive way how disappointed she was in me.

I thought about my reply for two days so that I wouldn't write back in the heat of the moment. This afternoon, I wrote the following:

With all that we have been through, I invited you to my wedding.

I explained to you the reasons for how the guest list has been developed, and it is what it is, I regret that it's not to your liking.

The card you received was not the invitation, those have yet to be sent. It was just a save-the-date.

I don't know what else to say except that I have a million things on my plate right now, the guest list is incredibly complicated, and I don't want to to be asked again to justify our decisions. I was hoping to be able to share this with you, I'm sorry we couldn't work it out.

I then emailed the whole exchange to my mom, who quickly called me at work to try to talk me off the ledge. I appreciated that; my mom was exceptionally calm, reasonable, and understanding. She really chose her words to me carefully.

Ultimately, I know there are a lot of people out there who will avoid conflict at any cost. I am a person who will avoid feeling bullied at any cost, and I was feeling bullied here, big time. This is a sensitive subject for me, because I just went through a painful experience with graduate school where I also felt bullied, and I just feel fierce right now (and I don't mean that in the Tyra way.)

I am not giving you the entire story because I know all the he-said-she-said can be difficult to follow and not interesting to anyone outside those involved.

I realize that I was tough, that many people will think I should have just relented. I realize I am setting myself up for judgment here, and that's fine. Maybe I did the right thing, maybe I did the wrong thing, but it is done.

The reason I share this story is that besides all the kooky "bride brain" and floral meltdowns we may have, there are ugly parts of wedding planning, too. I bet a lot of you have had ugliness (hopefully, many of you haven't). For those of you who have, even if your story is much different than mine, I wanted to share this with you. I just wanted to say, here is the crappy thing that happened here. Here are the grey areas, the bad behavior, the misccommunication. For what it's worth.

I think I made a mistake

I picked up my dress from Jenny Yoo yesterday. They don't do alterations, so I had to go to an outside tailor. A friend of mine who works in fashion recommended Joseph Ting at Dynasty Custom Tailors, which is just a few blocks from Jenny Yoo. Joseph and Dynasty were also recommended by New York magazine's wedding guide, a source that I trust because it caters to rich people, and rich people don't play when it comes to their wedding stuff.

Anyhow, even though my wedding is not til December, I was excited to pick up my dress, and I didn't want to schlep it all the way home on the subway, and then back to Joseph again on the subway at some later date. I said, "let's do it now!"

I put the dress on and loved it even more than I did before. It seemed a little big though, which I was psyched about since I lost 5 pounds. But then I remembered that I want to lose 5 more, and the wedding isn't for four months, and Joseph isn't going to require multiple fittings. I was thinking that after this, that would be it. I would take it home and store it in my in-laws' closet until December.

Now I am thinking: do I have to stay the exact weight I am for the next four months so the dress fits? It is strapless, so I really can't fool around and risk it falling off. The sample I tried in the store really fit quite well, so these alterations are not an elaborate multi-fitting process. Joseph is just shortening it, and nipping it in around the torso for a snugger fit, and that's that.

I'm a little nervous. My wonderful friend Amy, who came with me, says, "Don't worry about it, if we need to go back in November, we go back in November. No big deal."

So I guess I just won't worry. Joseph will still be there (and he works fast; this is supposed to be done in a week) and I can go back if I have to. I just feel like I planned badly, and I hate that! Usually, I am a good planner. Rats!

Who knew Martha could help us save money?

I just logged onto my Gmail account to find my daily tip from Martha. Today's is surprisingly helpful! I usually don't think of Martha when it comes to saving money, but today she has 50 tips for staying on budget (actually, it seems she has two sets -- this is the other one). I am a budget bride (of course, aren't most of us?) but some of these were new to me. She suggests, for example, hiring a wedding planner to save money because they are not shy about haggling. I never would have thought of that! Ah, Martha, saving us -- from overspending and bad taste -- at every turn.

drying my tears with the pages of a book

Last week I cried nearly every time I thought about the wedding. It started with a fairly benign if slightly pushy email from the best man, which G. forwarded to me. It continued with a discussion between me and my supremely supportive MOH regarding bridesmaids' shoes. The reason I didn't cry these two times is because I was at work, and I have a no crying at work policy, which has only been broken once when I was a waittress and someone stole $80 off a table of mine, which I then had to pay myself.

Anyhow.

Finally, on Sunday, I did cry, and that was because I was having a nice day at home alone with G. and I had the time and space. I heard once, I think on Oprah, that people tend to cry when they feel safe. Interesting!

I realized that I am having some very mixed feelings about the wedding, which could be identified as below:

1.) I am pretty Type B, meaning I don't care if stuff is perfect, I just want it to be good.
2.) Although most brides are obsessed with details, there are a lot of details about which I really don't give a fig, such as bridesmaids' shoes.
3.) I have difficulty comprimising, if I am not the person who suggested comprimise.
4.) I hate being told that I have to do something, or made to feel like I don't have a choice.
5.) Even though I am Type B, I do worry about the pressure to have a totally awesome wedding that is creative and original and totally expresses exactly what G. and I are about.
6.) I worry about spending too much money.
7.) I worry about feeling/acting/appearing greedy.

I think this may have been bridal meltdown #1. Of how many, we'll see.

I went straight to my local bookstore that I love, McNally Jackson Books. I bought two books that I hope would bring me back from the edge, and so far so good.

The first is Altared (edited by Colleen Curran) has a very satisfying picture of a bride in a fabulous dress tearing her hair out. The book is a collection of essays about the tumult of wedding planning, and are decidedly not of the fairy-tale wedding variety. They are honest and touching and made me feel better. I especially liked Amy Sohn's and Dani Shapiro's essays.

I also bought Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides (Ariel Meadow Stallings). I haven't started it yet, but I read the Offbeat Bride blog and although I am not a goth or Ren-Fair bride, I appreciate the blog's committment to freedom and indepence and feeling like you can get away from the Knot if you want.

Having finished Altared, I am already feeling a lot better. I can't wait to start the Offbeat Bride book. I also feel a lot better being honest that I don't give a rat's ass about bridesmaids' shoes! It's the dirty truth.