Never Tear Us Apart

G. and I decided fairly easily on our first-dance song, which is Never Tear Us Apart by INXS. We made the decision by having me start to think about it long before we were engaged, developing a list, narrowing it down by myself, and finally delivering two options to him after we started planning the wedding. (The other song I considered was "No One" by Alicia Keys.)

We used the following criteria for selecting this particular song:
1) It is totally awesome, and has been so since 1987 when it came out.
2) It is part of the soundtrack of the very romantic movie Donnie Darko, which we both love.
3) It is has a hilarious and totally 80s saxophone solo in the middle. (I dream of performing "air saxophone" during our dance at the wedding!)

At any rate, despite the fact that the song was also played at Michael Hutchence's funeral in 1997, we thought it was a very romantic song, and let's admit it: a crowd pleaser. Everyone our age at the wedding is going to know and love this.

G. and I are not exactly shy, but we're not attention-seekers either. We won't be doing a surprise dance to "Baby Got Back" or anything of that nature. On the other hand, we want to avoid looking like our wedding is a 7th grade mixer, with three and a half minutes of us swaying back and forth.

Therefore, we asked my parents, who have done ballroom dancing for fifteen years, to choreograph a little something for us. Last week, we saw visited them for vacation, and we all had some wine and INXS in the living room. My parents worked out a ballroom medley for us, which mostly consists of a rumba box-step, with a dramatic tango lunge thrown in.

But the best part -- and the only thing that will prevent me from doing an air-sax solo -- is that my folks also included a Dirty Dancing move! I am sure that all women between the ages of 25 and 40 attending my wedding will immediately recognize Baby's fabulous head-roll during the sax solo! (She does it right in the beginning of the "Time of My Life" dance.)

Also like Baby -- when Johnny Castle runs his fingers along her armpit -- I had the giggles when we were practicing. G. was a good student, and neither of us had much trouble learning it, but I was a little embarrassed to do some corny stuff that my parents suggested, like lay my head on his chest during the tango lunge.

Also embarrassing: when my parents were suggesting some dirty tango moves that I was too prudish to seriously attempt in their company.

Hopefully my giggles and hesitancy will evaporate on the big day.

As shy as I am about it, I am exciting to have a choreographed dance that will hopefully be romantic and hold folks' attention. Even more so, I know my parents are super excited to be able to share their experience with us and really be able to contribute to this part of the wedding. Now all we have to do is practice.

drying my tears with the pages of a book

Last week I cried nearly every time I thought about the wedding. It started with a fairly benign if slightly pushy email from the best man, which G. forwarded to me. It continued with a discussion between me and my supremely supportive MOH regarding bridesmaids' shoes. The reason I didn't cry these two times is because I was at work, and I have a no crying at work policy, which has only been broken once when I was a waittress and someone stole $80 off a table of mine, which I then had to pay myself.

Anyhow.

Finally, on Sunday, I did cry, and that was because I was having a nice day at home alone with G. and I had the time and space. I heard once, I think on Oprah, that people tend to cry when they feel safe. Interesting!

I realized that I am having some very mixed feelings about the wedding, which could be identified as below:

1.) I am pretty Type B, meaning I don't care if stuff is perfect, I just want it to be good.
2.) Although most brides are obsessed with details, there are a lot of details about which I really don't give a fig, such as bridesmaids' shoes.
3.) I have difficulty comprimising, if I am not the person who suggested comprimise.
4.) I hate being told that I have to do something, or made to feel like I don't have a choice.
5.) Even though I am Type B, I do worry about the pressure to have a totally awesome wedding that is creative and original and totally expresses exactly what G. and I are about.
6.) I worry about spending too much money.
7.) I worry about feeling/acting/appearing greedy.

I think this may have been bridal meltdown #1. Of how many, we'll see.

I went straight to my local bookstore that I love, McNally Jackson Books. I bought two books that I hope would bring me back from the edge, and so far so good.

The first is Altared (edited by Colleen Curran) has a very satisfying picture of a bride in a fabulous dress tearing her hair out. The book is a collection of essays about the tumult of wedding planning, and are decidedly not of the fairy-tale wedding variety. They are honest and touching and made me feel better. I especially liked Amy Sohn's and Dani Shapiro's essays.

I also bought Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides (Ariel Meadow Stallings). I haven't started it yet, but I read the Offbeat Bride blog and although I am not a goth or Ren-Fair bride, I appreciate the blog's committment to freedom and indepence and feeling like you can get away from the Knot if you want.

Having finished Altared, I am already feeling a lot better. I can't wait to start the Offbeat Bride book. I also feel a lot better being honest that I don't give a rat's ass about bridesmaids' shoes! It's the dirty truth.

dramarama update!

I just learned that Jill & Kevin of the "JK Wedding Entrance Dance" have started a website, in which they are raising money to fight domestic violence.

The dance that they used for their ceremony entrance was by Chris Brown, who we all know beat up Rihanna the night of the Grammys. I have been following this story closely, and have very mixed feelings about the coverage it's gotten. I believe that the controversial picture of her battered face really brought home the serious and physical damage that this kind of battering causes. On the other hand, although I think the picture helped bring domestic violence out of the realm of the abstract for people who have not experienced it, I worry that it is a violation of Rihanna's privacy.
But we could argue about this all day.

What I was most upset by was the outpouring of support, not for Rihanna, but for Chris Brown! Overwhelmingly, (mostly male) celebrities let Brown off the hook with a "boys will be boys" excuse. I even heard many people repeat Brown's claim that Rihanna's island background caused her to be feisty, and that she was asking for it. Racist and sexist.

I have deleted Brown's songs from my iPod (I always liked Ne-Yo better anyhow) and have hoped that he will do some serious and penance for his actions.

For these reasons, I was thrilled that Jill and Kevin are working to use their 15 minutes of fame to help the cause of domestic violence. (Turns out Jill is studying domestic violence in her Ph.D. program!)

Major snaps to these guys. Seriously.

(Also, I can't help it: this is totally on a lighter note, but the website also has a picture of Jill & Kevin's wedding party, and I love Jill's BM dresses!)

dramarama

If one more person sends me this video ... I think I am going to scream!

It started on Facebook, people sent it to me, "Hey! Did you and G. ever think about this?;)"


Again and again and again. And then, in true fashion, my mom sent it to be about a week after the phenomenon hit the internet (or Good Morning America, where I also saw it). I don't want to sound cranky, I know people are well-intentioned and just making a joke. Hey, I like jokes! A lot!

But it makes me wonder: why is there this insidious competition happening among couples getting married, where it's as if your wedding is really the best wedding ever!!!! only if it is Youtube-worthy.

At our college, the theater majors were known as "dramaramas," which was not exactly a compliment. It had nothing to do with the theater, everyone liked that! It was that the actors at our school had a general tendency towards performance and attention-seeking all the time, not just on stage.

G. and I are not dramaramas. We are quiet, kind of shy. We feel uncomfortable with the idea of performing for our guests, or like they are secretly hoping we'll do something funny and awesome and get 11 million hits on Youtube.

We just want to get married. I don't want to overthink this, and I do think the video is funny. But doesn't it kind of seem like weddings are starting to become more of a performance or media event? It's exhausting!

whose day?

There is one thing that I hear all the time from people:
it's YOUR wedding! you can make it what you want!

But the reality seems to be that this is not "my" our even "our" wedding. This is a family wedding. I think the idea is nice that I have this one special day when I can really go crazy and have all this great stuff just as I want it. But that's not the reality. We have a lot of voices in our ears, not the least of which are both sets of parents. Even the Best Man (who was a bit of a groomzilla himself) has opinions. I don't want to do this all me-me-me, but on the other hand, it gets exhausting trying to please everyone. Or at least pacify them!

I know that idea of "pleasing everyone" is a wedding cliche at this point. But if that's true, why does everyone tell me it's my day? It's totally not. Which is fine, but let's call it what it is, right?

Do any of you guys there feel like there are some serious contradictions going on here?

my bridal style. sigh.

One of the first wedding blogs I looked at regularly was Offbeat Bride. I really like the motto of the site's creator Ariel: your wedding is not a competition. My main motto is it's a celebration, not an event, but I really respond to the competition idea, too.

When I was in middle school, I went to a lot of really, really opulent and pull-out-the-stops bar mitzvahs (as well as a couple totally nice and tasteful ones). These were my first introduction to celebratory events where there is a ceremonial component and a celebratory component. I wish Ariel was there to counsel these parents, but she was probably also in middle school at the time.

Anyhow, I remember, even at the relatively ding-dong dense age of 12, that some of the solemnity of the ceremony was overshadowed by the gumball-machine favors and karaoke machines. It all seemed kind of desperate and gauche to me. (No, I did not use words like gauche when I was 12.)

Planning my wedding now, I am trying to strike a balance between
a) having a fun and memorable and wonderful and awesome wedding
b) resisting the desire to "entertain" my guests

I want my wedding to stand out, but I don't want my wedding to stand out. I want it to be special, but I want it to be special because it's me and G. (hello, ego), not because we busted our asses trying to think up the most clever party tricks. I don't want to feel like a dog and pony show. I don't want to feel like our wedding will only be awesome with a photobooth. I don't want to verge on tacky, 1990 bar mitzvah territory.

Anyone else out there feel me on this? Do you feel pressure to "entertain" your guests?

I don't think I even have a regular style, much less a bridal style.

A friend at work gave me a book about finding my bridal style. I looked at the book and there are a LOT of quizzes, and I think I am supposed to sit down with G. and have meaningful conversations about color schemes. Which reminds me: we don't have a color scheme. I was having a conversation about this color scheme issue lately, and my friend said, "Well, what colors are your bridesmaids wearing?"

"They're wearing black. And one of them's my friend Bill. He'll be wearing a black suit."

"Huh."

Yeah. So, no color scheme. And no theme, really. Unless our theme is "getting married."

Early on, I read the following phrase: my wedding is a celebration, not an event. I think that is my bridal style. I realized quickly that I would have to develop an easy-to-remember motto to help me keep my head.

I am in this weird place, six months out, where a lot of the major decisions have been made. We have the date, the venue, the wedding party, dress, shoes, photographer, officiant, hotel. People (especially at work) keep asking me why I am not going totally bananas. I don't know! Should I be? I don't carry around a binder with ideas or anything.

I think I am just trying to make a celebration, not an event. Not a big freaking to-do. Part of this has to do with the fact that parts of our wedding will be pretty non-traditional (see again: Bill the bridesdude). Also, I don't obsess over details. And I like being really decisive. There is nothing that drives me more nuts than to endlessly research, compare, haggle, worry. I like to pick something and move on. I don't often second-guess myself (which, to be sure, has drawbacks!).

I guess I am trying to figure out have a superfantastic wedding without being ALL ABOUT MY WEDDING all the time. Or without spending 5 hours at a time on Etsy choosing the perfect this or that.

Do you have any misgivings about how you are "supposed" to feel about your wedding?