style me...similar

I have some anxiety about individuality. When I was in high school, my sense of self was directly -- and militantly -- linked to the kind of clothes I wore, the kind of music I listened to, and the kind of people I hung out with. This is the case for lots of high school kids, I know. It is the essence of high school! And like most people, I discovered when I went to college and generally wised up that this approach is really limiting. I also realized that it is totally exhausting.

I felt all this pressure to express myself through my clothes and accessories, especially. If I were to categorize myself in a nutshell (which, let's face it, is also what high school's all about), I was one of those early 90s girls who wore combat boots, black eyeliner, dyed my hair red, was super into Courtney Love, Jane's Addiction and Nirvana. I hung around with people who threw around terrible words like "poser." God, it was tedious!

Ever since then, I have really resisted expressing myself through anything but my personality. I am not a particularly avant-garde dresser: I like to look cute, but I am not pushing the envelope. I shop at chain stores, cuz that's where the sales are.

And while most 31-year-olds have graduated high school, in some senses I have not, because I work in SoHo. For those of you outside of New York City, Soho is like high school all over again, except instead of cheerleaders you have models (everywhere!) you have dandy men, fashion people, media people, rich people, who are definitely thin, fabulous, original, avant-garde, exotic... and all checking each other out. Usually I don't give a fig what anyone thinks about how I look, but there are the occasional days (oh, about twice a week) when I have cobbled together my crappiest un-ironed Old Navy outfit from three years ago. And then I see some 16 year old in hot pants with a fabulous tan and just the right haircut and aviator glasses, and I think, "For the love of god, what a-hole invented this neighborhood? And why didn't I have those thighs when I was 16?!"

What does this have to do with weddings?

I have the same kind of anxiety about expressing myself through my wedding. I feel this push-and-pull between creating a wonderful event where we manage to both meaningfully celebrate our love and committment, share this intimacy somehow with 100 people (also in meaningful ways), create a fun event where people have a great time and say to me later "your wedding was so awesome!" And I have details, but not too many details, and things that are planned just enough to reflect my aesthetic (do I have an aesthetic?) but not over-planned, because I am not channeling the opulent bat mitzvahs of my youth.

And then I am like, how do I come up with the ideas to make it just so? And well, one thing I do is read a lot of Weddingbee. The bees are so diverse that I rarely feel like I am reading the same thing over and over again.

But on the other hand, when I read some other wedding blogs (and okay, occasionally on W'bee, not gone lie), I think, how can I have this at my wedding when I have seen this 6,000 other places? Even if it is something I like so much. I still think that.

I guess it comes back to the adage from Offbeat Bride that I already mentioned: your wedding is not a competition. I am not a competitive girl, nor a perfectionist, so I don't think I am really at risk of falling prey to wanting the best, most fabulous, memorable, full-of-firsts wedding. But I also don't one where everyone's all, "Oh, yeah. I saw that on the wedding blogs," or "So-and-so had that at her wedding. Two years ago."

How do you strike a balance? Should I just let go and, you know, que sera sera? Do you guys ever worry about this kind of stuff?

Sigh.